Tuning out the world and tuning into God..

I looked outside and saw frost on the ground and almost returned to my comfortable, warm bed. “ No Michelle, you promised that you would run today no matter what” I said to myself. I dressed warmly and laced up my running shoes. I strapped on my new ipod and headed out the door. The cold instantly enveloped me and and I thought about turning back. Instead I turned my fast paced music up loud. I had just purchased the music and it helped me speed up. This was my first time running any distance in about 2 months. As always after my Marathon in October I was pretty burned out and took a break from running. My body began to warm up as the minutes passed. My body knew exactly what to do as if I had never taken a break at all. The miles passed and I felt a still small voice whisper in my ear “ Turn it off Michelle, turn it off so you can hear me” I knew God was telling me to turn the music off and focus on Him. As I silenced the music my mind instantly turned to prayer “ God thank you so much for 2012 and all you have taught me, thank you that through the heartaches you have helped me to become the person you want me to be, you have made me stronger and ready to face even harder obstacles.” I continued to pray over the past year and then turned to focus on the future “ Thank you for 2013, I dedicate it all to you, my husband, my kids, my business, my friends, my finances, my heath,,all of it is yours. I pray for larger miracles than I have ever seen so that others will see you and you will be glorified. I do not know what the year will hold but I do know that I will hold your hand every step of the way and you promise that you have plans to prosper me and not to harm me”. The prayer continued as I found my way back to my house and had ran 5 miles. I learned another powerful lesson today- we need to find our place where we can turn off the distractions and focus on God alone, for me that is running, for others it may be in a closet, playing golf, walking the dog or any other place where you can be alone with God, I challenge you as you start your new year to find your place where you can tune out the world and tune into God. Happy New Year!!!! Here is to a great 2013!!!

Why I Run

I get lost in my thoughts with every footstep pounding on the pavement I forget my present reality and get lost in my dreams and visions of the future. I reach for goals that once seemed unattainable. I push myself to the limits, to go father, run faster and be better than I was the time before. I feel my heart beating in my chest as salty tears and sweat mix together and stream down my face in unison. I press on..my body screams stop by my mind screams go, press on…be stronger..don’t quit…reach deeper…Prayers are lifted up..questions asked, waiting on answers to why...but being content with the here…the now..the plan, the Maker and the steps He has placed in front of me...“Trust me” is whispered in a still small voice but with the power of the loudest thunder, “I have never let you go”I gasp for air as my cries grow stronger..my heart is filled with the peace that passes all understanding…Suddenly my energy increases as I continue on my journey, my race, my marathon,

my life as me, my journey to be the best me that I was created to be…As my pounding feet come to a halt I feel an overwhelming sense of accomplishment.. I did what I set out to do and though the journey was hard, almost impossible at times..my hand was held by the one who has never left my side..and I know that I truly can do all things through Christ who strengthens me…

The Gift of Running a Marathon

I awoke with confusion “Why was I waking up when it still felt like night? “I looked at the clock, 4:15 AM. It quickly came back to me as I remembered today was the day I had been training for, for months, today was the day of my second Marathon, the Portland Marathon. I struggled in the darkness to find my clothes and quickly get dressed. I laced up my shoes as I mentally prepared for the 26.2 miles that lay ahead. I managed to eat two pieces of peanut butter toast before heading in the darkness to the car. As I drove to meet Melissa, my running partner, I began to question myself, my abilities and why in the world I was doing this! I parked my car and jumped into Melissa’s car as we headed to downtown Portland. We nervously talked about what lay ahead. We decided to pray and ask God to keep us from injury and give us the strength to complete this race. We walked in the cold and found our starting place for the race. It was still dark as we heard the first group begin their race. We patiently waited until we were finally at the starting line. “Runners go” the announcer said and we were off. The crisp air felt good and my cold body quickly began to warm up. My fast paced music helped me find my pace and I began to feel confident about my goal of finishing this race in 4 hours and 30 mins. I glanced down at my pace it was under 9 minutes a mile, totally ahead of schedule! Mile after mile I took in the sights the sounds and the beauty around me, As the sun began to rise and the fans began to cheer I began to feel so blessed and full of energy “ I love this” I thought “ Running is the best thing ever! I know I will hit my goal” “Go Michelle” a girl yelled from the side of the street. I gazed at her intently to try and figure out if I knew her when I realized that name was printed on my race bib. She was the first of probably 100’s that cheered for me by name. As I passed mile 10 I looked at my time, 3 minutes ahead of schedule, I will finish in 4 hours and 20 minutes at this pace!” “God thank you for this gift, thank you for my legs, and thank you for my health” I prayed as the sun shone on my face and my legs confidently carried me step after step after step. Mile marker 13 lay just ahead as I glanced at my time, 2 hours and 10 minutes! That was a half-marathon time to be proud of, “I have got this” I thought! There is NO WAY I will be over 5 hours! I thought back to my 5 hours and 4 minute race from the year before and knew I would be able to beat that time. I continued on -15 miles, 16, 17 and my body began to slow down. My pain was increasing rapidly. I pulled at my shorts under my running skirt for what seemed like the 100th time to try to minimize the burning I felt on my thighs. My feet began to pulse as I felt blisters getting bigger and the place where my big toenails used to be throb in pain. My knees ached with each step I took. “You can’t do this: my body screamed angrily at me. “ Make this pain stop” “You can’t” I told myself as I fought back and kept my body moving. Silence filled my ears as my iPod’s battery died. As I approached the 20 mile mark I began to talk to myself again “Why in the world did you ever sign up to do this? This is crazy! Why are you paying to torture yourself! Michelle just get through this and I promise I will never make you do this again!” As I checked my time again I realized I had slowed down drastically and needed to pick up my pace to now even have a chance of finishing under 5 hours. Although I was pushing my feet to run, the speed would not come, I lifted my now lead feet as fast as I could and realized that my “running” was the same speed as the walkers around me. Tears filled my eyes as I saw my goals literally slipping away in front of me. “Michelle” a still small voice began to speak to me “Will anyone care about your time but you? Will your friends or family remember what time you completed this Marathon in?” No God, but I care”. I replied. “I am a failure if I don’t beat my time”. “Why are you a failure? A victory is a victory no matter how long it takes you to get there” Suddenly it was as if a light went on in my head. Something I already knew but needed to be reminded of again. I needed to be proud of all of my accomplishments and victories no matter how long it took me or takes me to accomplish them. No one remembers or cares how long it takes me to accomplish my goals; they just remember that I accomplished them. Yes, I believe we should push ourselves to always give 100% but we cannot let our joy be robbed if we have not accomplished what we want to in our timeline which as we know is not the same as God’s timeline. Step after agonizing step I pushed on. The pain was so intense I felt I could not go on. I looked at the spectators; all I wanted to do was to be one of them. To be sitting in the sun, holding a sign and cheering for people. Why couldn’t I have just been one of them today I thought? Because then you would never know what it feels like to finish, to know the victory of completing this great challenge. As my legs screamed in pain I thought of my amazing friend Charis and how she inspired me to keep going, how she would love to be running with me and how I couldn’t give up because I promised her I would run for her and pray for her throughout my race. Charis’ story inspired me to keep going. Charis has been in a wheelchair for 15 years. My memories of Charis are from when we were in 8th grade. I remember Charis as an active, full of life, athletic girl who everyone loved. Charis and I have not seen each other since then but we have recently connected again on Facebook. The following is her story in her words- “My car accident happened Oct. 15, 1997 so in a few days we always celebrate my life. This will be 15 years that I've been in the wheelchair. I was coming home from a friend’s house in the morning but the night before my accident we were exercising in her room (Heidi) and we decided the next day we would start running together but that didn't happen obviously. So she dropped me off at her boyfriend’s where my truck was. They left for Clark and I left for home about 5 miles away, that morning was super foggy about 6:30-7am. I was coming from a side road didn't see the STOP sign and T-boned a semi-truck hitting the landing gear which saved my life because it made it where I didn't go under the truck and chop off my head. I broke my neck C5 C6 and I was awake the whole time but don't remember. They did the neck surgery finally and then the nurse noticed I wasn't coming out of the anastheisa so they took me in for tests MRI cat scans and found a blood clot on my brain. So I had brain surgery that night which saved my life too. I was paralyzed from the neck down. I was in ICU for 2wks and don't remember anything. They put a trec in my throat so I couldn't talk and had to mouth everything and no one could understand so I would get angry. Had a feeding tube even when I came home. They took me to Good Samaritan over in Portland where I loved it and was always the life of the party trying to cheer everyone up. For me God let me take it as just a transition in my life one day walking the next in the wheelchair. I am an incomplete quadriplegic because I can move my right leg some left too but the left side was damaged more. I can write with my right hand and I can drive an automatic car with no hand controls but I have to have someone help me in the car and out. I was in therapy at Good Samaritan for 2 and a half months before I came home for good. Of course there have been ups and downs but who doesn’t? God gave me another huge chance at life; we have to make each day count. Trust me I'm not always positive but I try my best and I have to remind myself there are people worse off than me so I try my best to rely on God and surround myself with Good people. The end victory will be heaven and I will not even remember this. God Always needs to be made 1st. As I thought of this amazing woman I couldn’t help but press on. Charis had pressed on through a million times more painful things both emotional and physical that made this marathon pale in comparison. The miles continued to drag on when suddenly at mile 23 I heard my name. I looked to my left and saw Melissa my running partner. “I am so glad to see you” I told her. We ran together for a few minutes as I tried to keep up with her pace that was much faster than me. She began to move ahead and although my mind and my heart pushed, my body could not keep. “Just keep going, one foot in front of the other, you cannot stop, just keep going” “God help me to finish this race because I Know I can’t do it without you” My body was at maximum depletion. I looked down at my watch and saw it past the 5 hour mark. I was deeply disappointed but knew this was still my race to finish strong. After what seemed like forever I finally came to the street crowded with people that I knew must be close to the finish line, for the first time I saw people on the streets wearing medals and finisher shirts. “ Keep going Michelle” they yelled to me, “ Just around the corner, you are almost there” the cheers from the other Marathoners were the most meaningful and encouraging to me as I knew that really truly knew what I was going through at that painful moment. I spotted my friend Deborah in the crowd and then my Dad with roses in his hand, around the corner I saw my mom and finally what I had been waiting for hours, the finish line! As I crossed I looked down at my watch. It read 5 hours and 12 minutes. Not my goal at all but I finished. I was handed my beautiful gold medal and as I proudly hung it around my neck I felt such an amazing relief to be done. I rounded the corner and was greeted by the sweetest of all hugs, those from my kids and a kiss from my husband. The pain overcame me in such a way I could hardly stand. I quickly sat down, tore off my shoes and tried to get some relief. I reflected over the last 5 hours and 12 minutes. It was one of the most difficult physical and mental journeys I had ever been on, but I did it. With God’s help I completed 26.2 miles. And through this painful yet rewarding journey God taught me to not worry and stress about how long it takes me to accomplish a goal but to be proud of what I have done and to realize life is a gift and I am truly privileged to live another day and feel the wind on my face and pavement under my feet as I enjoy the gift of running.

Running like a Child

Somedays you just need to leave your worries behind and run like a child. This past weekend I got a chance to do that I what is known as The color Run. This is a 5 k race in which you get a colored powder thrown on you at every Kilometer. Sounds fun, right? As crazy as it sounds in the midst of all my Marathon training it was so nice to run with friends, not wear a timing device, and no iPod .There were no winners, or as we say to our kids " we are all winners" my favorite part was at the finish line. My kids were patiently waiting for me at the end with my parents and Hayley ran to give me a hug.She loved that I was covered in color and couldn't wait to get some of it on her. My boys on the other hand wanted nothing to do with getting colored powder on them. I gave Hayley my packet of color and we followed the loud music to the crowd of people dancing. "on the count of three, throw your color in the air" the announcer said. " 1,2,3" green powder cascaded up from Hayley's bag and into my face and covered my once white shirt. She screamed in delight and began turning in circles from pure joy. I gazed at my sweet 6 year old girl and realized that this must be how God wants us to be, to be so full of joy that we are completly immersed in the moment and we don't care who is watching, what is going on or what the next moment will be but we are so full of joy we spin in circles and love life, love that moment, this life, this opportunity, this challenge and this circumstance because it is molding us into who He wants us to be. Hayley and I continued to have an amazing time singing, dancing and being giddy and joyful in the moment. I know sometimes it sounds cliche and overused but God really does have a plan for each one of our lives. There will be moments, days, months and even years that we do not understand our current struggles but our job is not to understand them. Our job is simply to trust. As I watched the bright colors of the sunset reflecting off of a beautiful lake tonight I thought "God created this beautiful sunset, this view and so many other miracles, my current struggles are nothing for Him to solve." And so I challenge myself, I challenge you to release your pain, your struggles, your worries , fears and doubts once again to God and give yourself permission to run like a carefree child!

My Warrior Princess Days

Today I just want to be real, open and relatable. I haven’t run since last Saturday at my Half- marathon. It was such a beautiful fall day and I was excited for a short 13.1 mile run after all of my LONG marathon training. I made my goal of 10 mins per mile putting me at an end time of 2 hours and 10 mins. I made my way to the starting line and was off at a fairly good pace. Just a few short minutes into the race I felt an intense pain in my hamstring, as though I was being stabbed. I know my face must have showed pain but I did not stop and tried not to flinch. Mind over matter, mind over matter, “DO NOT STOP” I told myself. Mile after agonizing mile I tried to entertain my mind, to think of things to keep my mind off of the pain. It would work for a little while and then the stabbing would come back. “How am I ever going to run a full 26.2 miles in just 2 weeks when I can barely make it 13 today?” I thought.. in response a still small voice whispered “ Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow has enough worries of its own” The words dug deeper into my soul as I realized how true this was in things so much bigger than a race. How many times had I worried about an upcoming event while missing on the beauties of today? Hill after rolling hill I thought about those words. Finally I came to the finish line about 10 minutes after my goal but was happy that despite the pain I finished the race. Since then I have been soaking, icing and rolling my hamstring. I have been taking the week off trying to let it heal until I run my last pre-marathon long run on Friday. The words I heard during my race have been exactly what I needed to hear this week as I have faced obstacle after obstacle, challenge after challenge and almost non-stop adversity. Do you ever have one of those days, no one of those weeks when you feel like you will break if one more thing happens? That is what this week has been like, but you know what I love? I love that God is control, that God assures me that I do NOT need to worry about tomorrow, that He will NEVER give me more than I can handle AND He works all things together for the good of those who love Him! When I get knocked down or face adversity my first reaction is to cry or get angry, I have learned it is okay to feel those feeling- but just for a moment, then I look at what was happening as something that is going to make me grow, to stretch me and give me another life experience that can hopefully be used one day to help someone else going through the same thing. I like to picture myself as a Warrior, you know Xena the princess warrior ? Well I pretend I am a warrior and I let the adversity I am facing prepare me for battle, and as I know the battle I am preparing for is not really against flesh and blood, but against the enemy, but guess what? In this story Xena has the BEST Armor ever created! I envision the belt of Truth around my waist- Truth about who I am and who God is, I have a pink breastplate of righteousness guarding me, I put on my big sparkly silver boots that give me peace, the peace that passes all understanding which I cling tightly in in every situation, I grab my shield of faith which I use to distinguish the darts that fly at me from all directions, but I am protected because of my faith. I put on my cute helmet of salvation and draw out my sturdy, silver sword of the spirit, which is God’s word. I head into battle daily but I am not alone, my armor protects me and I can now handle adversity and truly not worry about tomorrow..

Letting go and loving today..

Running today was 100% for me, for my emotions and my relief. Today was a huge step in the Bader household, today was the first day that all three of my kids went to school. Hayden and Hayley headed off with excitement in the morning for 3rd and 1st Grade. I enjoyed the morning with Payton on my lap and ate a picnic lunch with him outside before getting him ready for his first day of Preschool. I had such mixed emotion as I walked him across the field from our house to the preschool. I had told him earlier in the day “You know I am not staying with you this time in your classroom” He looked at me as confidently as can be with his big blue eyes and sweet four year old voice and said “ I’ll be fine” We reached his classroom and he eagerly walked in barely getting a “goodbye” in to me as he went to find the cars to play with. I gazed through the glass and lovingly watched as he began his first day in school of many, many more. On the walk home I knew what I needed to do right away. I needed to lace up my shoes, turn on my music, to feel the pounding of the pavement on my feet and the cool air on my face. I began my journey of one of my biggest stress relievers..running. As my heart began pounding harder I replayed the events of the day. Surprisingly tears began to form in my eyes. Why was I doing this? I had never experienced this form of sadness and emotions when any of my other kids started school. But this was different; today my baby was in school. It is not that I didn’t know what I would fill my time with, there are plenty of things I needed to get done, but it was the thought that this may be my last baby, that I may never again feel a miracle growing inside me, never hear another one of my babies first cries, never kiss a squishy newborn face or stroke another baby’s hair as he nurses. Suddenly I heard my GPS say I had completed 1 mile. I looked down at my time, 7:29, that was the fastest mile I could ever remember having. “ Wow, I thought these emotions sure make me fast” I wiped the sweat from my brow and got lost in my thoughts again. I thought of each one of my children and how they had grown so quickly. “Cherish each moment” I heard a very familiar voice whisper in my ear. I thought back to when the kids were 3 and a half, 20 months and a newborn. I remember thinking those days of 3 kids in diapers, constant chaos, and no sleep would never end. And here I am today sending my “newborn” off to preschool. I have been told over and over by parents of older kids “Don’t blink or your kids will grow up” I used to think they just forgot what it was like to live among the chaos. But today as I pounded my emotions into the pavement for the first time, I really believed them. I had blinked and suddenly all my babies were with their teachers in classrooms full of exploring and learning. My 5 mile run seemed to fly by as I pondered how the last 8 years as a parent had passed so quickly, I decided to really enjoy each day with my miracles and not ever wish away another precious moment even in the midst of chaos. Today was a day of letting go and learning to love every age and stage my kids are in. As cheesy as it sounds, today really is a gift, so lets all live it to the fullest and not wish it away!

From Strangers to Sisters

I nervously made my way through the crowd and got ready to begin my first leg of Hood to Coast, a 199 mile relay race starting at Mt Hood and ending at Seaside OR. My new teammates, who at that point were mostly still strangers to me helped me get ready’ You are going to do great” said Jen as she adjusted my speakers onto my shirt “I know you are going to rock this” said Joy as she helped with the other speaker. I was impressed already by the encouragement and camaraderie of my team that I barely knew. I eagerly went to the transition area and waited for my runner Shelly to pass the bracelet to me. I saw her running towards me and my heart began to beat faster. I waved to her as she ran closer and slapped the bright yellow bracelet on my wrist and I was off. My feet pounded on the pavement as I ran as fast as I could. I passed my first person and had what is known in this race as “roadkill” My confidence soared as I flew downhill and had my fastest mile of the entire race- 8:04, things changed as I faced my first hill..my heart pounded and my legs ached, hill after rolling hill I gave it my all but still became others roadkills over and over and over. “Don’t worry about the roadkills Michelle, just be the best you that you can be” I remembered once again this was my race, against myself. “Your doing a great job” runner after runner told me as they passed by me. I stopped beating myself up and raced towards the completion of my 6.3 miles. I heard the crowd screaming and I knew the transition area was coming soon. My eyes scanned the runners and I found my teammate Melissa waiting for me. I slapped the bracelet on her arm and slowed down to a walk. I finally found my team as I was handed a bouquet of fake flowers and a water. I relaxed in the van and felt relief that I hadn’t let the team down and my first leg was over.. The rest of the day consisted of stop and go and cheering on our teammates and lots of awesome conversations getting to know my wonderful team. Six women sharing a van, sharing running stories, stories about our families, the good, the bad, and the things that make us who we are. Each woman so unique yet so alike in our common goals of running this race together. My second leg I was extra nervous about because I would be running in the dark, which was something I had never done. I placed a headlight on my head, a reflective vest on my body with flashing LED lights on the front and back and speakers hooked to me. The leg in front of me was 5.8 miles and rated as very hard. I knew there would be some hill’s but I felt ready. It was after 1:00 am as I lined up to meet my runner. I clung to my sweatshirt to keep me warm as I waited. Suddenly I heard “ 145” being yelled in a loud voice and I knew it was my turn to run. I dropped my sweatshirt, got my bracelet and took off. There was no one in front of me and all I could see was the road.” Am I going the right way?” I thought as I ran ahead. “Just keep going” I told myself. Soon I was making my way up a steep, dark hill and I could see lights of a runner in the distance. The music booming from my speakers began to annoy me and I turned them off. Almost instantly I was engulfed in the beauty around me. The stars shown so brightly lighting my way, the only sounds I could hear were the crickets in the woods, my pounding feet and my steady breathing. “Thank you God for this amazing opportunity” I whispered. As the light of the runner in front of me continued I felt God say to me” Even if you don’t know where you are, or what the journey is going to be like, just trust me, I am your light” The red flashing lights in front of me began to represent God, my anchor, my lighthouse, my hope and my calm in the storms of life. Peace engulfed me as more thoughts entered my head” Michelle it is dark and you may not know where you are going, and what I have in store for you but I can see it all and I have amazing plans for you if you just keep going and trust me” Gods words spoke so clearly to me as if He was my running partner right beside me. The rest of the run was so peaceful I enjoyed every second of being alone with the nature and God. I realized again that sometimes we need to turn off all of our distractions and just be still and listen for God’s voice. My miles flew by as I loved my new running experience. I passed my bracelet off to Melissa and returned to the van to try to rest. The night was pretty much like the day, stopping and going and encouraging our team. There was not a lot of sleep that happened but we still managed to be in a good mood and enjoy each others company. My third leg was to be a short 4 miler and I really wanted to end in less than 40 mins. It was very warm and I was fighting the fatigue of very little sleep, but I felt ready. As I began my race I realized that my gps wasn’t working and so I would have no idea of my pace. “ How am I going to beat my pace if I don’t know my pace” I thought. I began pushing myself faster and giving it everything left inside. I looked down at my phone when I saw the sign saying “ 1 mile until exchange” It read 30 minutes. “ I have got this” I thought. Out of no where the road was headed up a windy road, I wasn’t expecting any hills so I was rather surprised. “Push it Michelle, leave it all on the road, no regrets” I yelled to myself. As others slowed down on the hill I began to speed up. “Dig deep” I said as my heart pounded harder. The hill seemed to go on forever as finally I saw the transition area. I sprinted to the end and quickly checked my time- 39 minutes. I let out a sigh of relief and knew that I had truly given it my all. The race went on as each one of my teammates took a turn running. We were nearing the end and our last runner Kandie took off. We frantically made it to the beach to be there for her finish. I swelled with pride when I saw her coming around the corner and heading towards the sandy beach for her finish and our teams finish. She ran strong and hard and finished what was started 33 hours before on top of a mountain. We joined her and 12 of us who were strangers to me just 33 hours before ran through the team finish line together. I no longer felt like stranger, but sisters. We had shared each others victories, pains, hopes, dreams, and heartaches. We ran the legs individually but ended as one. Each person contributed so much and together we were able to literally conquer a mountain. This beautiful symbol reminded me again that individually we can do great things but when we come together as running sisters and even more as sisters in Christ there is no limit to what we can accomplish together!

Even Superwoman needs a friend...

Running, heart pounding, toes bleeding, mind screaming stop! I can't do this I say to my ever faithful running partner. Who looks at me and says " smile and fake it till you make it"" "you can go ahead" I replied. "no" she says with determination. Mile 13.5 and my mind had told me I had nothing left to give, that my body needed to slow down, to walk to give my aching body a break.  But instead I was pushed to press on, stay the course and just keep going. I began repeating those words over and over to myself" just keep going, just keep going" and step by agonizing step I finished and completed our 14 mile run.  I was reminded though this experience how much we really need each other. How we need someone to say ,I know you can do this" someone who will stick by your side even when it does not benefit them at all. I often attempt to be super woman, to do it all, to be all things to all people. To be independent and take on the world. I try to prove to myself that I am strong, And i can accomplish any task set before me and I can succeed. But superwoman gets tired, has a meltdown and needs someone to say" we are doing this together you can do it" someone to say " i am not leaving your side, we will complete this task together. " I encourage you today to find someone who will be your "running partner" in life and to be that person to someone else , because even superwoman needs a friend:)

Running through the pain of the past..

I awoke excited for my first 10k in a few years. I had been focusing so much on the longer distances that I rarely entered races for the shorter distances. Today I had one goal-To make a new personal record and complete my 10k in less than an hour. The weather was warm and the sun shone bright. I was excited about this race because my parents were also there to walk their first 5K in years. I walked to the starting line, adjusted my iPod, and got ready to run my fastest 10K. My focus was interrupted suddenly as my heart began to pound uncontrollably in my chest. I spotted an individual who had changed my life forever..and not in a good way..someone who had changed my perception of many things when I was just a child. I thought I was a past all that, I thought it didn't matter, then why was ,my heart pounding,? why did a wave of emotion come over me? anger was the most prevalent. The race began and my mind was still distracted. "Focus Michelle" I silently yelled at myself. I was going unusually fast as I desperately tried to keep up with those around me. "Let it go" three small powerful words were whispered in my ear "BUT,why?It's not right" "Let it go because it hurts no one but you" Sweat was now pouring down my face as I tried to find my pace. "Let it go " three small words that hold so much power. I realized that although I had let this issue and this person go years ago, but there would always be triggers and I would have to let it go many times. I began to understand even more that healing and forgiveness are a process and not a one-time event. "Let it go" I repeated. "It's yours again God" I whispered. Anger began to dissipate and I was covered with my favorite of all feelings- The peace that passes all understanding. My mind began to wander to happier things, to the blessings God has given me, to my amazing husband and beautiful kids, To my parents, who I saw just ahead of me on the race. As I approached them walking hand in hand I couldn’t help but be overwhelmingly touched. Touched by their love for each other, their commitment to our family and the years of wisdom, strength and character they each represented. “You’re doing great mom” I said as I touched my mom’s arm and ran by. I focused in on the race again and realized if I sped up I would be able to reach my goal of under one hour. “58 minutes” I heard the announcer say. “Push it Michelle, this is the time to give it all you‘ve got!” I sprinted past the girl in front of me and focused on the finish line. “Go Michelle, you’ve got this” I put every ounce of energy left in my body to reaching the finish line. I looked up at the clock as I passed the line it said 59:17 ! I did it! I was able to run past the pain, to the place of forgiveness and peace and finish my race stronger than ever.

One simple change..

Today I took my kids to the track with me. I often let them play while I run and today they were excited to play in the sand (which is actually the long jump pits) I was just going for a quick 4 miles and I turned up my music and began. "Y'all ready for this" pounded in my ears and I was off. I focused on my pace and speed, I like to use the short runs to work on pushing myself for speed whereas the longer runs is more for endurance. Suddenly I remembered an article I had read that said " To go faster focus on longer strides instead of just moving your legs" I began to focus on each step that I took, paying close attention to where my feet landed, It felt unusual, uncomfortable and not at all natural. I forced myself to continue with my new stride when I noticed my pace had increased. My ipod told me I had just ran a mile in 8 mins and 1 second. Did I hear that right? I hadn't run a mile that fast since I was in high school! Why hadn't I done this before?. How could one simple change affect my time so much? I began to think about all the things in my life that sometimes seem overwhelming, certain goals, house cleaning, running a marathon etc.. I started t thinking about just making one small change and focus in that until mastered. How much could I improve each day if in each area I just focused on one small change? Often times with my personality being “ All or Nothing” I go all out trying to tackle a big obstacle all in one day and in turn end up frustrated and worse off than when I started. I focused again on my legs and lengthening my stride. It made me tired in a new way and I had to constantly think about it. I realized that I was going to have to consciously think about it until it becomes as natural as the stride I have known for my whole life. Imagine the things we could accomplish each day, week, month and year if we just focused on one simple change…

Winning an Olympic medal in my own way...

I looked around and saw a sea of wetsuits and brightly colored swim caps. I gazed down at my swimsuit and felt out of place as almost everyone else was wearing a wetsuit. I slowly made my way into the chilly water and walked out towards the current where I was told would be the best place to swim. There I was about to begin my first triathlon, and having no idea how I would do against those around me. The horn sounded and we were off. I forgot all my worries and nervousness and began. I quickly noticed that many had passed me "Get your mind off of others and focus on yourself" I reminded myself. Every stroke brought me closer to the end of the swim; I began to tire when suddenly I saw the bright yellow balloons in the air signaling the end of the swim, my energy increased as I told myself to speed up. As I began my way out of the water, my legs felt like lead. Others slowed down “speed up Michelle, push through the fatigue" my inner voice told me. I entered the transition area and pulled on my clothes as fast as possible. I hopped on my bike and headed out. People quickly passed me and I observed that almost every person had skinny tires...hmm..I looked down at my own fat tires and realized that maybe I should have invested in a "real tri" bike. "On your left" I heard over and over as bikes would come rushing by. Frustration overcame me “Why are you not as fast as them?" I asked myself. I glanced behind me and saw there were still many behind me "Oh good I thought I am not last" "Do not worry about who is front of you or who is behind you" I heard a voice whisper in my ear. As I pedaled with all my might I thought about those words...I realized that not just in races but in other areas of my life I had often compared. Compared who was ahead or behind, who was a better mom or wife, who was skinnier than me, who has a bigger house who is more successful than me, who got where I want to be faster "ENOUGH" I told myself this is YOUR race, YOUR life and YOUR journey, just do the best you can do. As I transitioned from bike to running, the feeling of weights on my legs returned. Although difficult I was happy to be back to my most familiar and favorite sport..running. "Push through this" I told myself, this is nothing compared to what your body endured during your Marathon, you’ve got this" I sped up and passed many of those people who had passed me during the bike ride. Normally distracted by music, I needed to keep talking to myself to push past fatigue. “Be the best you, you can be" I said to myself..I liked the way that sounded. I repeated it over and over, it began to be the music in my head, my body ached to slow down but I kept repeating " Be the best you, you can be" "Do you have anything left to give?" Yes I do I answered myself, my steady pace became a sprint as I passed one, two, three people and lost count. “Go,” I told myself, I recalled something I had heard recently " Your mind will give out before your body will: DIG DEEP Michelle, as I sprinted to the finish line I gave it my all, mind, body and soul and finished my race with my head held high. I placed my silver medal around my sweaty neck and felt a sense of pride. I may not have won an Olympic medal but I pushed myself as much as I could and I truly was the best me that I could be.

Blessings on a Hill..

I began my run with excitement and anticipation. I saw the hill before me and with each strike of the ground and upward movement I felt stronger. As I paced up the hill I saw what I had always thought was the top, the resting spot, the place to enjoy the view and head back down, but today something was different, today something told me, this is not the top..there is more. I peered up and saw another almost hidden path..steadily I climbed it and my view got better and better. I realized that I was surrounded by beautiful rolling hills in every direction, a stunning blue stream below and the unmistakable beauty of God’s creation. The presence God engulfed me so strongly that it brought me to tears . I cried out to God and asked Him “Please help me to let go of the things that have been bringing me pain. Help me to trust you completely” The music from my ipod sang "the voice of truth tells me a different story, the voice of truth says this is for my Glory" I spread my arms and let go of the pain, let go of the fear and gave God my trust that everything that has happened and will happen is really from Him and for His glory. In that precious moment I felt that God was revealing something to me..... for years I had never gone past that point on the hill and had in turn missed out on the beauty i saw today,, I felt like God said to me " for years you have thought that this blessing that I have given you so far is it but if you trust me I will bless you more and give you more blessings than you have ever imagined, dreamed or thought possible in this life, if you just trust me to take you farther than is comfortable for you, farther than your human eyes can see, farther than you have ever been before. To much is given much is required. You are to lead as you have never lead before, dream as you have never dreamed before and love deeper than you have ever ever loved before.” My first reaction set in “ But what about the pain I have endured from loving so deeply?” Don't worry about it “ He replied I will give you the strength and courage to love each person that I so purposely place in your path. They are mine and but a gift to you to treasure, love, empower and care for as long as I choose for them to be in your life. When one leaves your life is not a punishment, but simply part of my greater plan that you cannot even come close to comprehending. Salty tears spilled down my face as I closed my eyes raised my arms and and fully gave my mind, body. soul ,and future to the one who has given me everything. Yawah God is with us..now I sit listening to the rushing river and feel complete peace. The peace that passes all understanding, the peace that covers me, covers Bethany and all that is facing us all at this very moment..God is good!

Blessings on a Beach...

I began my run with excitement and anticipation. I recalled several other runs on the beach and looked forward to a quick 3 miles on the sandy shore. I set my ipod to record my distance and time and I was off. The sound of the ocean soothed my ears and I basked in the early morning fog and cool mist coming off of the water. Out of habit I looked down to check on my current pace..it was slower than I liked so I sped up.. Suddenly I stopped, looked down and saw a beautiful half a sand dollar. I carefully picked it up, put it in my pocket and kept running. Just a few feet later I saw another one and thought of how excited my kids would be to see it. I stopped again to take some pictures when suddenly I was overwhelmed with the surrounding beauty. "It's not about the destination it is about the journey" a still small voice whispered into my ear. Overwhelmed with emotions I thought about the words I just heard "It's not about the destination it is about the journey" how many sand dollars had I missed out on because I was so concerned about where I was going and not enjoying the journey? How many people's lives had I missed out on helping because I was so engulfed in myself and "beating my time" or getting to my final destination. I continued running and could not believe what I saw next, tears filled my eyes as I gazed upon a complete, unbroken beautiful sand dollar! "Blessings are all around if you just take the time to look for them, focus on the person you are becoming not just getting to where you want to be" powerful words to consider every day. Tears rolled down my sweaty cheeks as I reflected on my own selfishness and how I was focusing on the wrong things and decided to live each day enjoying the journey and let God bring me to the destination in His own beautiful time.